Why Don't You Blog More Often? (or Perspective, Part 2)

Not too long ago a friend of mine asked me, "Why don't you blog more often?  You say you like doing it and people enjoy reading it...so why don't you get on there and write more"? 

 First of all, I really do enjoy writing in this blog.  It's sort of emotionally liberating to write down whatever is on my mind...to let it go and release my thoughts into the cyber world.  This blog helps me organize and "flesh out" the random and crazy thoughts that bump around in my head: things like how I love my children equally but differently and how we as people have so much in common if we'd just take the time to look.  I love this blog because it gives me a way to share my stories with people and remind myself of important times in my past.  This blog is a journal and a diary and a letter to anyone who wants to read it.  It is a place for me to reminisce, inform, remind, inspire, and brag and I really do enjoy being here.  So...back to the question then, "why don't I write in my blog more often"?  The sad truth is, I just don't have the time.

I tried writing in the blog about a week ago when I had some free time and I ended up deleting the entire thing because it was just one big pity party and I didn't feel good about what I'd written.  It was about poor poor me...I'm so busy that I don't even have time to sit at the computer and write down a few paragraphs.  Before I posted about my tragically ladened life, I went back over my old blog posts and finally I got to the one that started it all: the one about perspective.  Geez, that was a bit of a slap in the face!  Here I am feeling sorry for myself because my life is so full and active.   Let's put it all into perspective:  my calendar is overflowing with activities and events that I've chosen to be a part of.  Now, granted, some of the things that I do are not by choice but out of necessity such as doctor's appointments and therapies for John.  But even things like taking the boys back and forth to sports or cub scouts are not burdens, I really enjoy seeing my kids participate it these activities.  I love seeing them grow in their skills and friendships.  I volunteer in their classes and at their school because I WANT to.  I want to see what their doing in class and help the teacher.  I want my children to be able to enjoy things like a school variety show and play and if that means I have to help make it happen...then so be it!  I chose to be a stay home mom for this reason...so I could be a big part of my boy's formative school years.  I want to be a presence in their lives while they still want me to be present.  So, if that means taking them to sports and cub scouts and volunteering to file paperwork in the back of their classroom for an hour, if it means making sure John sees the right doctor's at the right time, if it means heading the committee for the school performance and carving out time to go to a student of the month assembly or a reflections reception then I need to remember that this is an honor and a privilege and a CHOICE that I made when Eric and I decided to have children and when I decided to forgo working to be a full time mom.

Other things on my calendar include bible study, dinner's, lunches, mani/pedi's with friends, and visiting with my grandma.  I love going to bible study every week.  The love and acceptance and fellowship from these remarkable women is something I crave in my life.  Dinner's and lunches with friends...seriously, how can I complain about spending time with good friends?  It may take time and effort to clean the house or organize and prepare a meal but it is all time well spent.  It may take time out of my day to go meet at a restaurant but if I'm going to complain about that then...geez...I don't deserve the friends I have!  And having someone massage my feet and paint my nails while I visit with a good friend...again...seriously...how in the world can I complain about that?!?  Visiting with my grandma is something I do out of love, respect and a strong family bond. She's always been there for me and now it's my turn to return the favor and be there for her.  My grandma is 87 years old, she lives about 60 miles away from me but I make it a point to see her at least once a week.  She is frail and tired and craves company.  She has a full-time caregiver but she just lights up when her family comes in the room.  Even when things are busy and hectic I go visit Nanny because, you know what, it all boils down to perspective again.  The dirty dishes in my sink aren't going to care if they sit there a few more hours but Nanny will care if I said I was going to come see her and then cancel because "I'm too busy".  The laundry can wait another day or two but a day or two to Nanny may seem like a lifetime.  

So, that's why I don't blog more often.  I have a full, active, crazy life that keeps me going all the time.  I have a wonderful family that needs my attention, love and support every day of the week.  

I will continue to write and blog as I can because I really enjoy it but I refuse to feel guilty because I don't blog on a regular basis.  This blog is just one of many things in my life that makes me happy and complete!

Oh, and did I mention that I signed up for a tennis class?!?  :-)

A Golden Summer

So, I took the summer off from blogging.  I did this for a couple of reasons.  First, we were really busy!  We took three big vacations: Seattle, a road trip to the Grand Canyon and Colorado, and family camp. Also, my husband retired from the military in July and we had to plan and host his ceremony and reception.  Then, when we were actually at home we went on a lot of day trips around San Diego and Orange County.  Could I have blogged while on vacation?  Sure...but the real reason I took the summer off was because this was a Golden Summer.  What is a Golden Summer you ask?  Well, let me tell you...  It's a term I came up with for a summer vacation that you spend with your kids when you and they actually enjoy spending time with each other and want to be with each other!  It's a summer when they are old enough to make their own breakfast and let you sleep in, get themselves dressed and brush their own hair (most of the time).  It's the summer when you can talk to them about more mature things and get their opinions and input on events and activities.  It's a summer when you give them more freedom to do the things they want to do but they still come back to you for hugs and kisses and cuddles. It's the summer they stay up late but still want to be tucked in at night.  It's a summer between innocence and maturity.  A summer between independence and attachment.

Before a Golden Summer, you, as a parent, spend a lot of your time taking care of your child's needs.  Not begrudgingly...it's just what you do.  You change diapers, pick out clothes, help them get dressed and brush teeth.  You talk about things like Mickey Mouse clubhouse, purple dinosaurs, and the Wiggles.  You make meals and feed your kids and plan your daily schedule around nap time. 

After a Golden Summer, you, as a parent, still want that family time together but your
pre-teen/teenager only wants to spend time with friends, or on the computer, or playing video games.  Your kid is as likely to scowl at you as to talk to you and you can't pry the smart phone out of their hands.

During a Golden Summer, your kids are independent enough to take care of themselves but still want to be with their parents.  It's the summer you truly enjoy being with each other and love being together as a family. 

Many families will have lots of Golden Summers and they are so lucky and blessed.  Some might only have one or two and how sad for the family that doesn't have any.  I also think that the Golden Summers often make a comeback after the tough teen years. And for those of us who have kids with special needs, our Golden Summers may look very different from someone elses or they may come a lot later than others.  I just know that this was our first Golden Summer and I cherished it.  I loved being with my boys this summer, traveling and talking, laughing and loving.  There were some tough times too, after all, they're still kids and brothers, we had our fair share of arguments and disagreements.  It wasn't a perfect summer...but it was definitely Golden!

The Note That Started It All

I posted this note on facebook about a week ago. The conversation with my friend that I write about in this note, and the impact it had on my life's perspective were pretty profound. It had been on my mind and in my heart for a long time. Finally, I decided to write it down. I'm still not sure why I decided to share it with my FB friends but I'm so glad I did. My friends had such wonderfully nice and supportive things to say! It seems that in writing this note I helped myself but maybe helped a few of my friends with perspective on their lives too! It also helped me realize what an amazing support group I have out there! I felt so good after writing down my thoughts and feelings and I got such positive feedback from my friends that I decided to go ahead with my idea to start a blog. So, here it is...the note that started it all:

Don't know why I feel the need to write this down but it's been on my mind for a while now so I thought I'd put it here...maybe I should start a blog. Anyway, a while back, a girlfriend of mine who is my age, single, with no kids, who I've known for a very long time said to me, "you have had such a charmed life." I looked at her with my mouth slightly open, a bit wide-eyed and just a little confused.

I began to think of my life: my mom and dearest friend, died way too early at the age of 55 after suffering through three years of ovarian and lung cancer and all of the chemo, radiation and surgeries that went along with it. I watched my dad suffer my entire life after a terrible car accident that left him broken and in pain. He was addicted to pain killers, got bladder cancer, acquired MRSA after hip replacement surgery and ulitmately died at 66, again, way too young. My two boys never got to know my mom, their Boppy, and they only remember Poppy sick and in pain. They will never know the love that only grandparents can shower on a kid. Speaking of kids...I have a son with a rare genetic disorder, Kabuki syndrome. In the first five years of his life he was in the hospital as much as he was at home. Twice in his little life we almost lost him. Once from an unknown infection, the next from RSV when he spent five weeks in the hospital. Four weeks in the PICU in a coma, hooked up to more machines that I've ever seen. No parent should ever have to see their baby like that. Since then we've spent every day trying to understand and figure out Kabuki syndrome, how it affects John and how we can make his life easier and better. He's medically fragile, ADD, autistic, has a heart condition, issues with his bones, he's hypotonic and apraxic. Every day is an adventure and a struggle. To make it even more difficult, I'm married to a man in the military so he's gone...a lot! There have been deployments from six months to a year with week long trips scattered throughout. During those times I have to deal with all the things I usually deal with: boys and school and doctor appointments and therapy appointments and house cleaning and grocery shopping and meal making and homework but I also have to do the things my husband usually does around the house " yard work, dog poop :-p, trash, home repair, computer fixes, discipline, bills. I have to be a mom and a dad. Also, my grandmother is 87 and in poor health and it has fallen mostly on me to help her. Thank goodness she now has a full time care-giver but it's so hard to watch her mind and body fail her. On top of all of this, I'm losing my sister, my best friend. I never ever thought that anything would or could come between us...but I was wrong. We are squabbling over decisions made by my parents before they passed away. Now the person who I talked to every day (multiple times a day), who I shared my happy thoughts with and told my deepest darkest secrets to...now we rarely talk at all. Not only that...but she's going to move out of state soon so the chance of us actually getting over this is slim. I'm sad because I feel abandoned, I feel like she's all the family I have left in California and soon I won't even have that anymore. I feel bad for my boys because they are losing their cousins...their best friends...I know how it feels. My heart is breaking over this.

So, after my friend told me I have had such a charmed life...these are the thoughts that quickly go through my mind. I don't voice any of them. I simply say to her, "Oh really, what makes you say that?" "Well" she says, "You grew up in a family that loved and supported you, surrounded by parents and grandparents that would do anything for you. They were there for you even when things got hard and they never gave up on you. You and your sister always got along and actually seemed to enjoy each other's company...you didn't fight all the time like I did with my brothers and sisters. I remember that you would actually go to family reunions in the summer and talk about all your cousins and aunts and uncles...how cool is that? To be surrounded by family. You got to be the lead in the high school play and you were on the varsity soccer team. You were talented and athletic! You were a princess at Disneyland and traveled the world as a Disney entertainer. You met your husband in the most romantic way: the Navy pilot falls in love with the Disney princess...in Singapore, no less! Does it get any better than that? You've traveled the world with your husband and the Navy. You are married to a hero, for God's sake! You have two beautiful kids who love you unconditionally. Yeah, I know that John is special but you have the chance to teach him that special is ok. You are molding two little lives...I don't get the chance to do that."

I listen to all she says. I think about how I see my life and how she sees it. I focus on the fact that my parents are gone, she remembers the loving family I grew up in. I'm sad that my boys won't know their grandparents but, luckily, they were amazing parents and showed me, by example, how to be there for my boys. She talks about all the amazing opportunities I had as a teenager and young adult...things I rarely even think about anymore but need to remember more often because not everyone had it as good as I did. I complain about my husband always being gone and all the work it creates for me and she reminds me that this life has alowed me to see the world and my husband is an amazing man. Way too often I think about how hard it is to have a child with special needs but, she's right, I have an amazing opportunity to teach both my boys that different is ok. It may be harder but it takes a strong person to be different. I get to help guide these fabulous boys from children to men. Wow...what an honor! I forget that these two fantastic kids love me for who I am...simply because I'm their mommy. This is a blessing that not all women get.

I guess it's really all about perspective. Sometimes you need to see someone else's view of your life to put it all into perspective again.