Why Don't You Blog More Often? (or Perspective, Part 2)

Not too long ago a friend of mine asked me, "Why don't you blog more often?  You say you like doing it and people enjoy reading it...so why don't you get on there and write more"? 

 First of all, I really do enjoy writing in this blog.  It's sort of emotionally liberating to write down whatever is on my mind...to let it go and release my thoughts into the cyber world.  This blog helps me organize and "flesh out" the random and crazy thoughts that bump around in my head: things like how I love my children equally but differently and how we as people have so much in common if we'd just take the time to look.  I love this blog because it gives me a way to share my stories with people and remind myself of important times in my past.  This blog is a journal and a diary and a letter to anyone who wants to read it.  It is a place for me to reminisce, inform, remind, inspire, and brag and I really do enjoy being here.  So...back to the question then, "why don't I write in my blog more often"?  The sad truth is, I just don't have the time.

I tried writing in the blog about a week ago when I had some free time and I ended up deleting the entire thing because it was just one big pity party and I didn't feel good about what I'd written.  It was about poor poor me...I'm so busy that I don't even have time to sit at the computer and write down a few paragraphs.  Before I posted about my tragically ladened life, I went back over my old blog posts and finally I got to the one that started it all: the one about perspective.  Geez, that was a bit of a slap in the face!  Here I am feeling sorry for myself because my life is so full and active.   Let's put it all into perspective:  my calendar is overflowing with activities and events that I've chosen to be a part of.  Now, granted, some of the things that I do are not by choice but out of necessity such as doctor's appointments and therapies for John.  But even things like taking the boys back and forth to sports or cub scouts are not burdens, I really enjoy seeing my kids participate it these activities.  I love seeing them grow in their skills and friendships.  I volunteer in their classes and at their school because I WANT to.  I want to see what their doing in class and help the teacher.  I want my children to be able to enjoy things like a school variety show and play and if that means I have to help make it happen...then so be it!  I chose to be a stay home mom for this reason...so I could be a big part of my boy's formative school years.  I want to be a presence in their lives while they still want me to be present.  So, if that means taking them to sports and cub scouts and volunteering to file paperwork in the back of their classroom for an hour, if it means making sure John sees the right doctor's at the right time, if it means heading the committee for the school performance and carving out time to go to a student of the month assembly or a reflections reception then I need to remember that this is an honor and a privilege and a CHOICE that I made when Eric and I decided to have children and when I decided to forgo working to be a full time mom.

Other things on my calendar include bible study, dinner's, lunches, mani/pedi's with friends, and visiting with my grandma.  I love going to bible study every week.  The love and acceptance and fellowship from these remarkable women is something I crave in my life.  Dinner's and lunches with friends...seriously, how can I complain about spending time with good friends?  It may take time and effort to clean the house or organize and prepare a meal but it is all time well spent.  It may take time out of my day to go meet at a restaurant but if I'm going to complain about that then...geez...I don't deserve the friends I have!  And having someone massage my feet and paint my nails while I visit with a good friend...again...seriously...how in the world can I complain about that?!?  Visiting with my grandma is something I do out of love, respect and a strong family bond. She's always been there for me and now it's my turn to return the favor and be there for her.  My grandma is 87 years old, she lives about 60 miles away from me but I make it a point to see her at least once a week.  She is frail and tired and craves company.  She has a full-time caregiver but she just lights up when her family comes in the room.  Even when things are busy and hectic I go visit Nanny because, you know what, it all boils down to perspective again.  The dirty dishes in my sink aren't going to care if they sit there a few more hours but Nanny will care if I said I was going to come see her and then cancel because "I'm too busy".  The laundry can wait another day or two but a day or two to Nanny may seem like a lifetime.  

So, that's why I don't blog more often.  I have a full, active, crazy life that keeps me going all the time.  I have a wonderful family that needs my attention, love and support every day of the week.  

I will continue to write and blog as I can because I really enjoy it but I refuse to feel guilty because I don't blog on a regular basis.  This blog is just one of many things in my life that makes me happy and complete!

Oh, and did I mention that I signed up for a tennis class?!?  :-)

You have the whole world in your eyes

Wow!  I haven't written in ages!  The last few weeks of school were crazy and hectic and then, on the last day of school, I picked up the boys after class, put them in the car, drove to the airport, got on a plane, and started our first summer trip!  We just got home and I've finally settled in enough that I feel like I can take a few minutes to write. 
This thought has been on my mind for a while now.  Well, actually, since the last day of school.  On that final day, Robert came out of class loaded down with his backpack, yearbook, a beach ball and a huge folder full of paperwork and art from throughout the year.  We took a few minutes to look through it before we went to the car and this one picture stood out from all the rest.  It was Robert's self portrait.  For an eight year old, it wasn't a bad likeness, but that's not what struck me.  I looked at it and said to Robert, "Wow, this is really good!  Especially the eyes.  I love the colors you used...you look like you have the whole world in your eyes."  Those words and all that they implied,  stuck with me.  I began to think that for him, "having the whole world in his eyes" means so much more than the color of the crayons he chose to use for his picture.  Because at eight years old, he still does have the world in his eyes...for him...anything is still possible and within his reach.  He explained to me once how, when he is a grown-up, he will have a job that will let him do all of his favorite things and still be a paleontologist (which has been his goal in life since he was three).  He said that he will obviously have to read about Egypt and dinosaurs to be a good paleontologist and he loves to read. He will then have to go explore the area, digging around and looking for bones and artifacts.  Then he will have to write about his findings (another thing he loves to do) and, of course, he will do his own sketches and artwork.  Then he will create models of his discoveries with Lego's.  These Lego sculptures will be so amazing that they will be in museums and people will ask him to create rides at amusement parks about his Lego creations and then he will make board games and computer games and wii games about all the things he discovered as a paleontologist.
I LOVE IT!
Could he do it all?  Right now...in his eight year old mind...YES...he could.  Will he always believe it?  Probably not...how many of us still believe it? 
Of course, I want my son to grow up and get a good education and become a "fine adult", but what do we sacrifice by becoming adults?  I think we loose the world in our eyes.  We start to realize that we should pick a single educational goal.  That we should really have one (or two) vocational aspirations and only a couple of real careers in our lifetime. 
I know that Robert will grow up to be something spectacular.  I also know that when he starts taking about what classes he wants to take in high school and what he wants to major in when he's in college, then I'll know he's become a man and lost the boyhood dream of becoming the Lego building, ride creating, computer game programing, author/artist/paleontologist. 
Wouldn't it be nice if we could all go back and remember when we had the world in our eyes and everything was full and rich with possibilities?  When we still believed that we could be that professional athlete, the movie star, lead singer in a rock band, the astronaut, the president.  Those were good times! 
I think as parents and adults we should be slower to tell our children that "those things aren't all possible" or "you'll never be able to do all of that when you grow up".  We shouldn't always be so quick to say, "well, that will take a lot of work and YEARS of college" or "very few people become professional athletes/singers/actors, you should focus on something more realistic".  They will discover these things soon enough.  Let's let them dream and imagine and "have the whole world in their eyes" for just a little while longer...

Too Many Rights Can Make A Wrong

It has been over two weeks since I wrote in my blog!  I started this blog with such good intentions, I just have so many things on my never ending to do list that blogging keeps getting pushed to the bottom.  Which actually brings me to the point of this post.  We've all heard the saying: Two wrongs don't make a right.  Well, I've come up with a new saying:  Too many rights can make a wrong.  Let me explain.  I have a teaching credential and a license as a speech therapist.  I could have a job but a long time ago, Eric and I decided that my skills, time and effort would be better spend at home, spending time with our boys and being actively involved in their school and extra curricular activities.  So, I'm a stay-at-home mom.  What I've found, though, is that over the years I continually take on more "jobs" and have less and less time to actually spend with my boys.  Right now I am on the PTA board, I am the hospitality chair for the PTA, I am room mom for two classes, I volunteer each week in both classes, I am a den leader, cub scout treasurer, as well as cub scout membership and registration coordinator. I am doing all of the right things, but I am doing so many of them that It's actually turned into the wrong thing for my kids.  I am doing so many things FOR my boys that I never actually have time to spend WITH my boys.  My time is spent creating lessons and den activities for the cub scouts, going to the scout store to buy belt loops and arrow points, volunteering backstage at the rehearsals and performances of the school variety show, coordinating volunteers for the school carnival, writing and requesting donations for the raffle baskets, buying items for the baskets, creating the baskets, requesting food for teacher appreciation luncheon, buying drinks and paper goods for said luncheon, putting the luncheon together, coordinating gifts and treats for teacher appreciation week, coordinating volunteers for the fourth grade fiesta, buying sombreros and tablecloths for the fiesta, planning field trips, on and on and on...I think you get the idea.  All of these things are good and need to be done...but they don't all need to be done by me.  When my boys get home from school, I'm still working on other projects as well as trying to do the regular household stuff like laundry, dinner and cleaning.  So, everything I've taken on and everything I'm doing in the name of being a "good stay-at-home mom"  has sort of backfired on me.  Because (1) I rarely stay at home and (2)  I'm not being much of a mom.
So, I have vowed to not take on as much during the next school year and I've tasked those around me to hold me to my word.  Yes, I will still be involved in my boy's school and after school activities but when they come home from school I want to be able to spend that time WITH them not just do things FOR them. 
In my life, I want to make two things right and their names are John and Robert.  I don't want to spend all of my time doing all of the good and right things only to find, one day, that I've lost my time with them.

The Book and The Rose

A while back my son made the age old, often heard by parents statement:  "you love _____ more than you love me!"  I replied back with the age old, often used by parents statement:  "no I don't, I love you both the same."  Well, that night, as I was lying in bed, I started to think about what I said.  Do I really love my kids the SAME?  The answer is, no, I don't love them the same.  Now, that doesn't mean I love one more than the other, it simply means I don't love them in the same way or for the same reasons...I love them DIFFERENTLY. 
I hope as I write this that my thoughts translate well to the written word because I really don't want my feelings to be misunderstood but as I was thinking about my boys and my love for them I started to compare them to gifts...gifts from God...wonderful, precious gifts.  However, gifts come in many shapes and sizes, in other words: gifts are different.  I see John as a rose bush (I know my son, in all his boyness, probably wouldn't enjoy being compared to a rose but I'm still a girl and think in girly ways).  So, God gave me this rosebush to tend and take care of.   I have to make sure I plant it in just the right area to make sure it gets enough sunlight to thrive.  Every day I need to water it and and prune it and check it for pests.  I need to protect it from harsh weather and insects. It's a lot of hard, tedious work but if I'm diligent and put in the effort, then I will be rewarded with amazing blooms and flowers with the most wonderful fragrant scent. 

In Robert, God handed me a book.  A book that I can enjoy and read and watch as the story  unfolds. A book that holds a story so complex that all I can do is read it daily and anticipate where it will go next. A book with a story that lights up my imagination with all it's fantastic possibilities. A book that helps me relax and smile and sometimes, actually, laugh out loud.

So, because John is my rose and I have to work harder with him does that mean I love him any less?  Of course not!  I am, however, acknowledging that having a child with special needs is hard work, any parent with a special kid that tells you otherwise is lying (to you and themselves).  But I love John all the more because of the effort.  My hard work shows in the incredible, confident kid he is.  He has to work so hard just to do what typical kids take for granted.  So we work, John and I, we work on handwriting, over and over and over and finally one day, he writes his name: legibly!  What a huge accomplishment!  I'm so proud of him and his determination.  We work on social skills and looking at people when he talks to them and then, a teacher at school stops me after class and says, "John told me one of his jokes today, and HE LOOKED ME IN THE EYES WHEN HE WAS TALKING!"  Wow! Another huge step and it's because John and I did the work.  There are so many little stories like this and all the time and effort are worth it and I love him so, so much because I am helping mold his already beautiful soul into a truly amazing person. When you help create something fantastic you can't help but love it and be proud of it!

Robert is my book.  He is easy, he is fun, he is creative, he is smart, he is kind and he is inspiring.  His life is like a story to me that I get to watch as it unfolds.  It's exciting to me to "read" his narrative on a daily basis.  His story is full of adventures and dramas and, no doubt, there will be plenty more to come.  Is my book perfect?  No, of course not.  Sometimes a page tears and I have to mend it.  Sometimes the story takes a turn that I'm not very fond of...but for the most part I just turn the pages and enjoy the story.

So, there you go, my book and my rose...my gifts.  Neither one loved more than the other, just loved differently...for different reasons, because they bring such different things into my life.

I told this analogy to a friend of mine and she said, "I think my son is like a puppy you get on Christmas morning.  I love him, he's cute and adorable and so much fun but by the end of the day I'm so exhausted just from trying to keep up with him!" Gifts are definitely unique! :-)

All the people in our lives are gifts, they bless us in different ways and require different amounts of effort .  What kind of gift are your kids?  Husband? Siblings? Parents?  Friends?

What kind of gift are you?